


The Ones Who Love You

by alphablues



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Lots of side pairings, M/M, all of seventeen are here but it's centered around 96ers, how to tag, lots of feelings, they aren't like that essential to the plot though, whatever idk, wonwoo is a soft boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 10:54:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11553714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alphablues/pseuds/alphablues
Summary: It's supposed to be easy, simple. One week of holding hands and kissing and pretending to be in love and then Wonwoo and Junhui can go back to just being best friends. Only it isn't easy at all. Nothing is ever easy with the two of them.orThe fake dating AU where everyone goes on a 'family' vacation and things become a mess of unspoken words and suppressed emotions.





	The Ones Who Love You

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so!!! This is actually a gift for one of my best friends on this here godforsaken planet. It should be stated, for the record, that this is my first time writing for Seventeen. This was initially supposed to be a fun, lighthearted fake dating AU, but that...did not happen. Also, the characterization isn't exactly where I want it to be and everyone ended up being kinda shitty, but hey, it happens. The title is taken from an Alvvays song. If you like lofi indie you should check it out.

Jeon Wonwoo and Wen Junhui are friends. They’re good friends. They may not be as close as say, Wonwoo and Soonyoung, but they’re still close. They talk about their feelings and confide in each other and all of that emotional bullshit. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say Junhui is one of Wonwoo’s best friends.

However, that doesn’t explain Junhui barging into his apartment at three on a Tuesday afternoon in somewhat of a frenzy, shouting, “I need you to be my boyfriend!”

He keels over after his exclamation, hands gripping his knees as he attempts to stay on his feet. His hair is a mess, matted and sticking to his forehead with sweat and he’s slightly out of breath as if he’s just been running. He still looks good though, golden skin glowing against his dark shirt, toned thighs displayed beautifully in his skinny jeans.

Wonwoo, on the other hand, is sitting on his couch in yesterday’s underwear and an old t-shirt stained with toothpaste and milk dribbles from the cereal he had earlier.

“Um.” Wonwoo wipes uselessly at the dried milk. “What?”

“I need you to be my boyfriend.” He repeats between panting breaths.

Junhui is strange. He’s a strange guy. He’s socially awkward with an odd and usually poorly-timed sense of humor and Wonwoo has known him since high school. He’s heard him say all kinds of weird shit, but this is definitely high up on the list. Wonwoo’s brain doesn’t quite know how to process the entire situation. Less than five minutes ago, he was vegging out to some trashy weekday drama and now Junhui is in his living room, looking like _that_ , asking him to…?

He looks past his friend at the front door where it is still hanging open, letting out all the cool air. Wonwoo’s tongue is stuck somewhere behind his teeth so he just points stupidly. Junhui glances behind himself at the open door.

“Oh, sorry.” He says, sheepish, hurrying to close and lock it.

“Okay so, what are you saying?” Wonwoo asks once he feels capable of speech.

“I need you to be my boyfriend for a week.”

“Why?”

“Okay well, you know the retreat Jeonghan and Seungcheol put on every year? Well I agreed to go months ago, when Jihoon and I were still together. When we broke up I was kind of expecting us to make up but we never did. And then I didn’t really want to think of…any of that so I kept putting it off. And when I finally considered cancelling it was already too late, so I need you to be my date.”

“Why do you need a date? Can’t you just go alone?”

Junhui looks at him like he's just asked something really stupid. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah, why can’t you just go by yourself? It’s not like it’s a couple’s retreat.”

“Um, because it would be pathetic and totally depressing.”

“All of the kids are going alone.” Wonwoo points out.

“Yeah, but they haven’t been tainted by the horrors of heartbreak and lost love yet. They’re still bright-eyed and fresh-faced, Wonwoo, I’m _old_.”

"We’re the same age.”

“Exactly, old. Washed up. Pathetic sad sacks.” Junhui states.

Wonwoo raises an eyebrow. “You’re speaking about me like this and you want me to do you a favor?”

Junhui deflates. “C’mon Wonwoo, please. It’s a free vacation! You know I would’ve asked Soonyoung, but he and Jihoon are…together now.”

“I understand you not wanting to go alone, but why do I have to be your _boyfriend_?”

Junhui slumps into the armchair by the window and seems to deflate even further, shrinking in on himself and sighing heavily.

“I just-Jihoon and Soonyoung are going together when we were supposed to-I’m just.” He cuts himself off and takes a deep breath. “I’m not hung up on it or anything, and I don’t resent them for getting together. They’re my friends, and they’re in love, and they’re happy and I’m happy for them. But it’s…fucking weird. Every time I catch them together they act like I’ve caught them committing a murder and that’s bullshit. It’s not like I have a monopoly on either of them. Jihoon is my ex but we’re all still best friends. We’re all still best friends, right?”

Doubt has crept into his tone and Wonwoo is quick to reassure him.

“Right, we’re all still best friends.”

Junhui seems to regain his confidence. “Right! So why is it so weird? I want it to stop being weird. And the rest of the guys…they’ve been treating me like I’m made of glass since me and Jihoon broke up. I just want everyone to see that I’ve moved on so everything can finally go back to normal.”

Wonwoo takes a moment to let everything Junhui had just unloaded on him sink in. A question he’s wondered about for a while now wiggles its way to the front of his mind.

He can’t stop himself from asking. “Have you moved on?”

“What?”

He looks at Junhui and Jun looks steadily back.

“Have you moved on from the break up?”

“Yes, once I realize we weren’t getting back together I accepted it and moved on.”

“Are you sure? You’re not holding onto any old feelings?”

“ _No_ , Jesus. It’s been almost _a year_ , Wonwoo. I realize now that our relationship was borne more from proximity and ease than anything else. I love him, of course I do, he’s like family, but I’m not any more in love with him than I am with you or Soonyoung. To be totally honest, I don’t think I ever was.”

Something about his statement stings. Stings deep in Wonwoo’s chest like a shot or a too-deep inhale off of a menthol. (Not that he smokes, hasn’t smoked for years.) He resists the urge to rub at his chest and ignores the sensation.

“Fine.” He says after a long while. “I’ll go with you.”

…

Wonwoo meets Junhui for the first time in ninth grade. He, Junhui, Soonyoung, and Jihoon are all in the same first year dance elective. He’s known Soonyoung for years and years already, since they were teeny-tiny and unsteady on their feet. He knows Jihoon a bit, having been in the same class with him since kindergarten, but they aren’t exactly friends, acquaintances maybe. Junhui is new, fresh from China with an obvious accent and a very small Korean vocabulary. He’s pretty and small and foreign with a mouth full of braces and teenage acne. This seems to make him a prime target for bullying.

Class has only just started but a few of the shittier kids have already begun picking on him, calling him one name or another and shoving at his shoulders with rough hands.

Wonwoo thinks of saying something but Jihoon beats him to it.

“Yah!” Jihoon’s normally quiet voice cuts over the bullies’ chatter like a knife. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“None of your damn business, half-pint.”

Jihoon’s already bitter expression turns from lemon juice to coffee grounds and Wonwoo braces himself.

“Who the hell are you calling half-pint?” He growls.

“Who do you think, Stuart Little?”

Wonwoo winces. This kid is surely in for it now.

“Stuart Little…” Jihoon laughs but its stale and humorless. “Look, I’m not trying to get detention on the first day, but if you don’t leave the kid alone and shut your damn mouth I can’t be held accountable.”

“You mean this kid?” The sniveling little creature shoves at Junhui’s shoulder hard enough that he goes tumbling to the ground.

Jihoon looks at Junhui where he’s sprawled on the dirty studio floor, looking sad and scared, then at the other kid’s greasy face and back again. A moment or two of very tense silence passes and then he’s launching a tiny fist directly into the kid’s nose. The crunch of bone and cartilage is unmistakable and unnervingly loud in the room. The kid begins wailing and his friends throw themselves at Jihoon.

“Jesus fucking shit.” Soonyoung curses beside him.

They glance at each other and come to a silent agreement in seconds before they’re throwing themselves into the fray.

They all land themselves a week of after school detention, but it’s worth it for the friends he makes.

(Wonwoo has wondered sometimes if that was when Junhui first started falling for Jihoon. The idea leaves a sour taste in his mouth.)

…

They go to the same place every year. One of Jeonghan’s uncles has a vacation home way out in the country, the type of house with an in-ground saltwater pool and tennis courts, and he always lets them borrow the place for a week or two during the summer. In the past, they’ve discussed going other places, south to Jeju or east to Japan, but ultimately cost-effectiveness and ease of access always won out.

No one complains, of course, because the house is like _ridiculously_ nice, not to mention free, and they always have fun either way. Sometimes not everyone can make it due to school or work or family obligations or whatever else, but this year everyone has managed to free up a week in their busy schedules.

Because there are so many of them they have to take two large rented vans, and Seungcheol and Mingyu have been decided as this year’s drivers, to Wonwoo’s utter horror. He isn’t ecstatic to be in a car for two hours with either of them behind the wheel.

“Come on, it won’t be so bad. It’s basically just a straight-shot the whole way there.” Junhui tries to reassure him from where he standing in the bathroom doorway.

They’re sitting around in Junhui’s apartment waiting for Seungcheol to pick them up in one of the godforsaken vans. Junhui is standing in the bathroom with the door open, staring intendedly in the mirror as he adjusts his bangs with single-minded focus. He’s wearing an obnoxious bro-tank that looks like it belongs to Vernon and a pair of lightwash jeans, and he shouldn’t look good but he does and it’s _stupid_. Wonwoo watches as Junhui’s tan fingers move from his bangs to press at the hair around his temples and another horrifying reality crosses his mind.

“We’re going to have to like…hold hands and shit, aren’t we?”

Jun shoots him a quick glance. “Yeah, and kiss.”

Wonwoo chokes and sputters on his own spit.

“ _Kiss_?” He manages to get out between coughs.

“I mean, yeah. We’re supposed to be boyfriends. That’s what boyfriends do, Wonwoo.” Jun sounds like a parent explaining something obvious to a child in over-simplified terms, and but Wonwoo is too distracted to feel patronized.

“I _know_. I just…hadn’t considered that portion of the whole fake-boyfriend equation, is all.”

Junhui looks at him again but doesn’t immediately move his gaze away this time.

“If it’s something that makes you really uncomfortable we don’t have to do this. It would seem weird, but it’s not unheard of. I just figured it wasn’t a big deal since we used to kiss all the time high school.”

Something in Wonwoo’s chest tightens at the thought of kissing Junhui, now and before, when they were still in school. He pushes the feeling away and gives his friend what he hopes is a reassuring smile.

“Nah, it’s cool. It’s not a big deal.”

Junhui opens his mouth to say something more, but an obnoxious honk sounds from the parking lot before he gets the chance, signally the arrival of their ride. When they walk outside Seungcheol is hanging half out of the driver’s side window like an overexcited golden retriever.

“Junhui! Wonwoo! The men of the hour!” He shouts in his horrible Bro-tone as he hurries out of the car to help them load their bags into the trunk.

“Get in losers, we’re going on vacation.” Jeonghan calls from over Seungcheol’s shoulder.

He looks remarkably like a reincarnation of Regina George with his over-sized sunglasses and pale blonde hair. It’s a little terrifying.

“Hey, but wait, I thought Jisoo said you were bringing your boyfriend?” Seungcheol’s attention is still on the bags, but his question is obviously directed at Jun.

“That’s what he told me.” Jisoo says from the far backseat where he’s seated between Minghao and Chan.

They look a little squished but ultimately comfortable next to one another. They’re all pretty used to being packed into a vehicle alongside slightly too many people. Wonwoo thinks the fact that Jisoo opted for the middle seat says a lot about his character. _No one_ likes the middle seat.

“Hyung, you have a boyfriend?” Chan asks, sounding betrayed. “You never told me you had a boyfriend. Who is he?”  

“You’re looking at him.” Jun states once Seungcheol has turned back around to face them.

He refuses to meet Chan’s sad little puppy eyes.  

Minghao looks at them over the back-passenger seat. “Is this another one of your I’m-The-Hottest-Guy-In-The-World jokes?”

He doesn’t seem even remotely amused at the idea, which isn’t surprising. He’s never quite appreciated Junhui’s sense of humor.

“What? No. Wonwoo is my, um, boyfriend.”

Jeonghan’s head whips around so fast that the joints creak audibly.

“Wonwoo is your _what_ now?” Jisoo asks, disbelief hardening his normally soft tone.

“Wonwoo is my boyfriend. We’re dating.” No one seems to believe him, and they all turn their attention towards the man in question.

“What do you have to say about this?” Jeonghan demands.

“It’s true. We’re…dating.”

Wonwoo attempts to prove it by clutching at Junhui’s hand. It’s kind of clammy, but he ignores it. The following beat of silence tells him that everyone was clearly expecting a different answer.

“Why are you all being so weird? Are we not allowed to date or something?” Wonwoo asks, anxious from all of the unwavering attention.

It’s taking everything in him to resist the urge to fidget under the weight of their gazes. Something in his tone or on his face must seem hurt or offended or something, because they all rush to assure him otherwise.

“No! No, it’s not that-it’s just unexpected is all. Sorry we’re being so weird. We’re just surprised, right guys?”

They all rush to nod in agreement with Jeonghan’s statement.

“Right,” Chan says, “we’re just surprised.”

“Okay well, we kind of have somewhere to be, so can we like _go_ now?”

Junhui sounds grumpy, but Wonwoo hears the tiniest waver in his voice. He must have been just as anxious as Wonwoo was at being pressured and questioned about their…relationship. He squeezes Junhui’s hand in what he hopes is a reassuring manner.

“Oh shit, yeah. We need to go. The kids are going to beat us there if we don’t get a move on.” Seungcheol says.

He hurries to close the trunk and rushes over to the open driver’s side door, climbing back into his seat and settling behind the wheel. Wonwoo and Junhui follow suit. As they’re clambering into the large van Junhui shoots Wonwoo a grateful look and squeezes his fingers where they’re still tangled with his own.

Once everyone is buckled up and settled into their seats, Seungcheol sets off driving, singing under his breath and tapping his fingers along with the rhythm of the old trot song that’s playing on the radio. It doesn’t take long for them to hit the highway, but Wonwoo can already feel his eyelids growing heavy from the soothing movement of the car and the insistent warmth of Jun at his side.

“I’m gonna take a nap.” He murmurs around a yawn. “Wake me up when we get there.”

Most of Junhui’s attention is focused on the game he’s playing on his phone, but he hums to let Wonwoo know he’s heard him. He drops his head easily onto Jun’s shoulder, and immediately passes out.

…

Wonwoo is sixteen years old when he calls Junhui in a bit of a panic on a Thursday night. It isn’t late by any means, but it is a school night and they don’t usually talk on the phone much to begin with. That coupled with the ominous text he receives just before the call comes in ( _From Wonwoo: I have a very serious problem_ ) makes all of the anxiety in Junhui’s body claw its way to the forefront of his mind.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He answers, clearly concerned.

For a moment, all that comes through from the other line is the sound of Wonwoo’s ragged breathing.

“I’m outside, can I come in?”

“You’re what-you’re _outside_?”

Jun gets up to look out the window and sure enough Wonwoo is there, standing on the road under the glow of the streetlamp next to their mailbox. He rushes down the stairs to let him in, stopping to let his mother know they’re having a guest on his way down. His father is in the kitchen sorting through the bills, but Junhui doesn’t give him a chance to do much more than call a ‘hello’ to the two boys before he’s rushing them back up the stairs.

“Did you run here, what the fuck? Why are you so out of breath?” Junhui asks once they are in the safety and relative privacy of his bedroom.

He looks his friend over quickly, checking to make sure all of his limbs are intact and accounted for. He looks outwardly okay, but Junhui is still anxious, worry buzzing like bees in his veins. Wonwoo had sounded so panicked on the phone.

“I think…I think I’m gay.” Wonwoo says, his face is blank but his voice expresses a million and one emotions, none of which Jun can name.

“Oh.” Junhui says, relieved, and then he’s laughing. He knows he shouldn’t laugh, but he can’t help the flurry of breathless giggles that rise up from his throat.

Wonwoo stares at him, aghast.

“Are you laughing? What the fuck?”

“Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh, I just thought something was seriously wrong. I thought you cut your leg off doing backflips on your trampoline or something. I didn’t think you were going to… _come_ _out_ to me.”

“Okay, but there _is_ something wrong? I think I’m gay!”

Junhui sobers immediately. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay, Wonwoo, and if you think-”

Wonwoo cuts him off quickly.

“What? No, I _know_ that. I just don’t know what to do. _I think I’m gay_. What do I do? How do I _know_?”

He seems genuinely distraught, which Junhui can understand. Everybody has to have their gay crisis some time. He thinks hard about Wonwoo’s question. How _does_ someone know if they’re gay? He isn’t sure, it’s not like there’s some gay formula written down somewhere.

“Well, have you kissed a boy?” He asks the only thing he can think of.

Wonwoo looks at him like he’s grown a second head.

“Have you _seen_ me kiss a boy? Who would I even kiss?”

“You could kiss me.”

“ _What_?” 

“That’s how I knew I was-“ He waves an ambiguous hand, “I kissed a boy. A lot of times actually. It really helped me understand myself and my sexuality.”

“So wait, explain this to me: you’re _gay_ and you had a… _boyfriend_?”

Junhui rolls his eyes and sighs.

“I’m not _gay_. I’m just-I like _people_. I don’t know the word for it in Korean. And I didn’t have a boyfriend. He wasn’t my _boyfriend_. He was just my friend, and sometimes we would make out.”

Junhui shrugs, like it’s all no big deal, but Wonwoo feels like it’s kind of a big deal.

“That sounds like a boyfriend to me.”

“How would you even know? You’re a fresh hatched baby gay. We weren’t dating or anything, we didn’t even really like each other like that. We just liked to make out every once in a while. It wasn’t a big deal. It was just fun, just…exploring.”

“And you’re offering to be that friend for me.” Wonwoo deadpans.

“Yeah.” He says easily.

“Wouldn’t that make things weird for our like…friendship or whatever?”

“Why would that make things weird? Look Wonwoo there’s no rule that says you can’t kiss your friends. There isn’t anything inherently romantic about kissing. You kiss your mom, don’t you? And your cat and you’re little brother? There are all types of platonic kisses. Making out can be totally platonic.”

“I get what you’re saying, I do, but I don’t think making out with you will be the same as giving Gamja kisses while I rub her belly.”

Junhui sighs again, exasperated. “Look, do you want to do it or not?”

Wonwoo takes a moment to think and consider what Junhui’s saying. Realistically, he knows there’s nothing that weird about making out with a friend. He knows kisses can be platonic. He knows there are some people who don’t like sex or romance at all, but still enjoy physical intimacy. Kisses aren’t inherently romantic. So why does it seem so _weird_?

He looks at Jun, looks at his lips where they’re pouted slightly as he waits for Wonwoo to speak. With a jolt, he realizes he _wants_ to kiss Junhui. Maybe that’s what’s making him feel so strange and uncertain.

“Okay.” He says finally.

“Okay?” Junhui looks skeptical.

“Okay, let’s do it.”

“Have you ever kissed anyone?” Junhui asks.

They’re on the bed now, sitting across from one another, close enough that their crossed legs are pressed together at the knees.

Wonwoo scoffs. “I’m sixteen, of course I have.”

“Who?”

“A girl at a pool party in eighth grade. We were playing truth or dare.” Junhui gives him a look. “We didn’t like, screw on the floor, but it was still a kiss. It counts!”

Jun concedes. “Fine, it counts, but have you ever _really_ kissed anyone? Like with tongue?”

“No.” Wonwoo admits. “What…what’s that like?”

“It’s nice. I’ll show you.” He moves forward a little, but pauses in the middle of lifting his hands. “I-is that okay?”

Wonwoo swallows, once, twice around the nervous lump in his throat.

“Yeah, it’s okay.” He murmurs.

“Okay.” Junhui murmurs back.

The room around them feels quiet and still with some strange tension, but the rest of the house is alive with noise. There’s the sound of Junhui’s little brother playing some loud and violent PC game in the next room over, mouse clicking rapidly while he swears colorfully under his breath every few minutes. And then there’s the sound of the TV on downstairs. Wonwoo recognizes the opening music of the Chinese drama Junhui's mother always watches, but he can’t understand a word of the emotional, over-acted dialogue that follows. He thinks Junhui’s mother might be watching while she cooks dinner because he can also hear the clattering of pots and pans and the fridge door opening and closing.

He looks at Jun and Jun looks determinably back as he raises both hands, settling them carefully on either side of Wonwoo’s face. Junhui’s fingers are soft, but Wonwoo can feel the callouses on his palms scrape slightly against his jaw. It isn’t an unpleasant sensation exactly, but it’s a new one. Wonwoo watches Junhui’s tongue dart out to lick across his lips. The movement seems nervous and unconscious.

“I’m going to kiss you now.” Junhui says, voice very, very quiet.

Wonwoo opens his mouth to reply, say ‘okay’ or something along those lines, but then Junhui’s lips are over his, plush and warm and just a touch damp from where he had licked moments before. Wonwoo doesn’t see fireworks or feel sparks shoot up his spine, or whatever other nonsense that has been written into a million and one young adult romance novels, but it’s nice. The pressure against his lips and the warmth of Junhui’s mouth is nice.

And then Junhui parts his lips and presses his tongue against the entrance of Wonwoo’s mouth. Wonwoo opens up easily in response, unsure about what he’s supposed to be doing, but eager to find out, and Junhui’s tongue slips inside. It’s warm too, and wet, and a little strange if he’s being totally honest. But then Junhui licks up against the roof of Wonwoo’s mouth, and over his slippery teeth, breathing steadily into Wonwoo’s mouth all the while and Wonwoo _does_ feel something then. He feels something warm and shivery spread up through his belly and kisses back as best as he knows how.

It’s clumsy, his kiss, and awkward, he’s sure, but when Junhui pulls away he looks flushed and dazed, cheeks pink and eyes glassy. Wonwoo drinks in the sight, feels some strange pride at Junhui’s apparent speechlessness, and can’t stop himself from leaning in for another kiss. And another. Everything else, all sound and light and sensation beyond Junhui’s lips on his own, seems to fade away.

When they pull away from each other again they’re both a little out of breath. Faintly, Wonwoo can hear Junhui’s mother calling them downstairs for dinner.

“How was I?” He asks.

He watches Junhui swallow.

“Not-not too bad.”

…

Another thing Wonwoo hadn’t considered when agreeing to do Junhui this favor was sleeping arrangements. It seems like an obvious thing to think about now, as he’s standing halfway in the room they’ve been assigned to, staring blankly at the single queen-sized bed that’s been pushed up against the far wall. They’re supposed to be dating, so _of course_ they would be given one room, and _of course_ that room would have one bed.

It’s a nice bed, with an expensive looking frame and a million and one throw pillows. The mattress looks soft and inviting, like it might be memory foam and it’s dressed with a plush duvet and what could very well be Egyptian cotton sheets.

Wonwoo glances from the light beechwood bedposts to the beaded tassels hanging off of one of the throw pillows to the pink flowers decorating the bedspread and feels mocked. He feels like the bed is _mocking_ him.

Junhui enters the room behind him and drops their bags unceremoniously onto the floor.

“There’s one bed.” Wonwoo says, stating the obvious.

“Yeah.”

“We-we have to sleep in _one_ bed.”

“We’ve slept in the same bed before.” Jun points out.

And he kind has a point. They’ve shared a bed more times than Wonwoo can even think to count. Every time Jun slept over when they were in high school they had to squeeze themselves into Wonwoo’s twin sized bed. It was never a big deal then, so why does the idea of sharing a bed feel so strange now?

...

The only person who knows he smokes is Soonyoung, but that isn’t saying much because Soonyoung knows literally everything there is to know about him.

Junhui catches him one day behind the pizza place he works at.

He’s in the midst of taking a long drag when Junhui rounds the corner. He doesn’t choke, but it’s a near thing. He moves the butt from his lips and quickly releases a lung full of smoke in the opposite direction, hoping maybe the other boy hasn’t noticed.

However, his hopes are shot to shit when Jun approaches him and plucks the cigarette from his fingers. He leans against the brick wall next to Wonwoo easily, looking like that’s exactly where he belongs. He brings the cigarette up to his owns lips, holding it delicately between two fingers, and takes a practiced and deliberate drag before letting it all out.

“Y’know, smoking totally makes you look hot, but you should really quit.” He states.

Wonwoo ignores the implication that Junhui thinks he’s _hot_ and scoffs, taking back the cigarette.

“Why?”

“It’s unhealthy and expensive.”

“You’re smoking right now.” Wonwoo points out.

Junhui shrugs. “I have one every once in a while. Doesn’t mean it’s not fucking gross.”

“Isn’t it like super taboo for an athlete to smoke?”

Junhui laughs. “Since when was I an athlete?”

“You do Wushu, right? That’s pretty athletic.”

“You know I do Wushu?” Junhui asks, seeming genuinely surprised.

“Um, yeah. You’ve mentioned going to competitions before.”

Junhui’s lips curl up in a way that makes him look like a pleased cat.

“Yeah, that’s part of the reason I quit. It screws with your stamina. You should quit too. It’s totally gross to kiss a smoker.”

As if to prove his point, he leans in and presses an easy kiss to Wonwoo’s unprepared mouth.

“I’ll…think about it.” Wonwoo says, dazed.

Junhui smiles and gives a little nod. “Cool. So, hang later?”

“Huh?” Wonwoo is taken aback by the sudden subject change, but catches up quickly. “Yeah, sure. I’ll text you when I get off.”

“Cool.” He repeats.

Wonwoo expects another kiss, but he doesn’t get one. Junhui simply walks back around the corner and disappears.

He doesn’t think about it much, but when he heads back in to finish his shift he chucks his unfinished pack of cigarettes into the dumpster.

…

They have a bit of a tradition for their first night at the house. It’s kind of cheesy, but they always make it a point to have a big family dinner. Mingyu cooks with the help of whoever he trusts in the kitchen, and they all gather around the large table in the fancy dining room and eat together.

It’s noisy, and a little messy, and there are a lot of bumped elbows and knocked over glasses of coke, but it always feels warm and familiar. It’s not anything like any of the family dinners Wonwoo has had at home. Those are nice, but there’s something different about this type of meal. There’s something different about being surrounded by people he has _chosen_ to have in his life. He loves his family, he does, but they are bound together by blood and fate. But he chose these people. He chose to love these people and they chose to love him, and he feels like that’s an important distinction.

Dinner tonight is the same as it’s ever been, but it’s also not the same at all.

Mingyu still cooks, with the help of Junhui, Minghao, Jihoon, and Seokmin. The menu tonight is bossam, kimchi fried rice, and whatever else Mingyu can think off. Everyone else divides into two groups, the setting group and the lounging group. The lounging group consists of Jeonghan, Seungcheol, and Seungkwan who are cuddled on the couch together watching reruns of Doctor Who while the other’s rinse out dishes that haven’t been used in months and set the table.

This isn’t a new development. However, Soonyoung cornering Wonwoo in the hall while he’s on his way to get more glasses _is_.

“So, you and Junhui, huh?” He inquires, wiggling his eyebrows like some lunatic.

“Yeah.” Wonwoo nods, somewhat awkwardly. “Me and Jun.”

Soonyoung punches his shoulder, and it actually kind of hurts but Wonwoo is too anxious to acknowledge the tiny pinch of pain. If anyone is going to catch Wonwoo in this lie it’s Soonyoung. What if he accuses them of faking it? What is Wonwoo supposed to say? What is his supposed to _do_?

“Dude! Why didn’t you tell me?” His friend demands.

Wonwoo is sure he doesn’t mistake the edge of hurt to his words.

“It’s a pretty recent development.” Wonwoo says, which isn’t exactly lie.

“But I’m your best friend.” Soonyoung lips dip into a pout and he’s definitely hurt.

Wonwoo feels immediately guilty. He and Soonyoung have always told each other everything, so it makes sense that Soonyoung would be hurt to find out Wonwoo was dating someone and didn’t tell him. Not to mention the fact that he’s supposed to be dating _Jun_ , one of their mutual best friends. He racks his brain for a realistic explanation.

“Yeah, and I totally would have told you but…it’s Junhui, and it just felt weird. I don’t know. We’re both dating our best friends, who also happen to be best friends _and_ exes. I didn’t want things to get awkward between the four of us. I wasn’t keeping it to myself because I didn’t want you to know or whatever.”

Wonwoo doesn’t even know what he just said, if it even makes _sense_ , but Soonyoung’s pout lessens slightly in response so it couldn’t have been too bad.

“That makes sense. I’m just kind of sad that we couldn’t go out and celebrate.”

Wonwoo laughs. “Celebrate what?”

“You guys finally getting together! I know you’ve liked him for like, a century or whatever. I know it was rough on both of us when he and Jihoon got together. But look, the tables have totally turned!” He says cheerfully.

Wonwoo’s brows furrow at the words. “It wasn’t hard on me when they got together.”

Soonyoung rolls his eyes like Wonwoo has just said something ridiculous.

“Yeah sure, okay. None of that matters now anyways, since we’re all happy now. Right?”

Soonyoung beams at him, bright and optimistic. Wonwoo tries to return the smile but his lips feel stiff and uncooperative.

“Right.” He says.

He feels strange the rest of the night, all through dinner and dishes and the movie everyone watches together afterwards. Junhui nudges him on the way up to their room and raises a questioning eyebrow. Wonwoo shakes his head and tries to communicate through the powers of telepathy that everything’s alright.

“You were quiet tonight.” Junhui says once they’re all washed up and lying in bed.

“Yeah.” He agrees.

It isn’t weird at all, lying next to him, and Wonwoo wonders why he was so anxious earlier. It’s actually sort of nice. They aren’t touching, but they’re close enough that Wonwoo can feel Junhui’s body heat and hear his steady, even breaths.

“Are you okay? Did someone say something?”

“No, I-I talked to Soonyoung. I just feel bad about lying to him.” He says, and it’s true.

Jun sighs.

“Me too. Chan was so hurt that I didn’t tell him. But it’s only for a week, and then we’ll tell them it was just too weird and we feel better off being friends, or something.”

“Yep.” Is all Wonwoo can manage through the sudden tightness in his chest.

…

It isn’t unusual for Jihoon to shoot Wonwoo a text asking if they can meet up at the coffee shop near campus. It’s sort of become their _place_ over the years. Sometimes they study, and sometimes they talk, and sometimes they just sit in each other’s company and drink sugary, overpriced beverages that are more milkshake than coffee. It’s always nice, comfortable and friendly, even when they’re working off of caffeine and desperation as they try to finish forgotten assignments before the clock strikes the cursed 11:59.

But it doesn’t feel like that now. Now there is a strange tension coming off of Jihoon in waves and it’s something Wonwoo has never felt before. He hasn’t always been comfortable with Jihoon, of course. There were a lot of drawn out awkward silences between them during the first few years of high school. But it was never anything like _this_. Wonwoo looks at his friend where he sits across from him at the table.

Jihoon is tense in his seat, tenser than Wonwoo has ever seen him. Every nerve in his body seems to be wound tight. His shoulder’s look as stiff as bricks.

“Dude,” Wonwoo says, “is everything okay?”

Jihoon is bouncing his leg so fast it’s just a blur of restless motion and the table is bouncing along with it, jostling their untouched drinks. Green tea splashes out of Wonwoo’s cup but he doesn’t move to clean it.

“I…” He trails off and grits his teeth.

They lapse into strained silence again for what feels like a very long time.

“Jihoon?”

The smaller man swallows hard. “Did you and Junhui have a thing in high school?”

Wonwoo is caught off guard. He isn’t sure where he thought this conversation was headed, but it _certainly_ wasn’t there.

“What do you mean?” Wonwoo asks, confused and uncertain.

Jihoon licks his lips and tugs the sleeves of his sweater down around his fingers, both nervous ticks that Wonwoo has learned to recognize over the years.

“Didn’t you guys date for a while?”

“Um, not really.” He answers honestly.

However, Jihoon doesn’t seem satisfied by this response.

“But I saw you guys once, behind the pizza place. He kissed you.” It’s not a question.

“Well yeah, but we-we were never _dating_. We made out sometimes, but there weren’t like _feelings_ involved or anything.”

It’s the truth, it is, but something feels wrong about the statement. Wonwoo steadfastly pushes the feeling away. Jihoon chews at his bottom lip and runs a rough hand through his hair, more nervous ticks, before giving his head a shake so the brightly dyed strands fall neatly back into place.

“That’s the same thing he said.” He mumbles.

“So why are you asking me? Where is all of this coming from?”

He seems to think hard about his words before speaking. “We’re, um, we’re dating. Junhui and I, we’re dating.”

Unexpectedly, Wonwoo’s stomach lurches. That was _not_ what Wonwoo was expecting.

“Oh.” The words sink in. “ _Oh_. That’s-I wasn’t expecting that, but congratulations.”

Something in Jihoon’s eyes still seems careful, cautious, like an animal approaching something potentially dangerous.

“You aren’t upset?” He sounds afraid of the possibility.

“What? No. Why would I be upset? I’m surprised, but I’m happy for you.”

“Y-you are?”

Jihoon still sounds unsure, and Wonwoo suspects he was even more anxious about this than he appeared.

“Of course I am. My best friends are dating, what’s not to be happy about?”

All of the tension visibly sags from Jihoon’s shoulders and he smiles, small but bright. Wonwoo smiles back, and it’s sincere. He is happy for them. He _is_ , but that doesn’t explain why he feels so sick.

…

Wonwoo gives Junhui a tangerine at breakfast and Jun gives Wonwoo a sticky, citrusy-sweet kiss in return.

Chan looks quickly away like he’s just seen something he shouldn’t have while Minghao pretends to retch into his porridge. Seungkwan and Vernon snicker at his antics but when Jeonghan shoots the three of them a sharp look they quiet down immediately. Mingyu distractedly drips strawberry jam onto his pants while he watches them wistfully. Seokmin nudges him with a roll of his eyes, and gestures to the spreading pink stain. Jisoo helps him wipe at it with a damp napkin. Jihoon and Soonyoung have yet to come down for breakfast, and Seungcheol is falling asleep into his coffee.

However, Wonwoo doesn’t see any of this. He’s stuck on the kiss, stuck on the press of Junhui’s lips against his own. Junhui knocks their knees together under the table and gives him a curious look. Wonwoo can’t help the way he leans forwards to solicit another kiss, can’t help it when he licks the juice off of Junhui’s bottom lip.

“Wow, you guys are totally gross.” Soonyoung says as he comes down the stairs, Jihoon following close behind.

His hair is an absolute wreck, and he has a massive damp toothpaste stain on his t-shirt, but he seems oddly pleased to have witnessed his friends’ moment of PDA.

“Pot, meet kettle.” Jihoon gripes.

Everyone snickers this time.

“What’s that supposed to mean? Why is everyone laughing?” Soonyoung demands.

“Soon,” Seungcheol says, finally awake enough to join the conversation, “you look kind of terrible right now.”

Soonyoung doesn’t even seem offended, still as bright and smiley as he usually is.

“Well I _feel_ terrific. I’m on a nice ass vacation, in a nice ass house, having a nice ass breakfast with the people I love. Who cares if I squeezed half a tube of toothpaste onto my shirt?”

“Maybe the person who _bought_ the toothpaste.” Jihoon grumbles, too quiet for anyone to hear.

“That’s an awesome way look at things, hyung.” Vernon chirps, completely earnest.

Seungkwan snorts. “Kiss ass.”

“You weren’t complaining about it last night.”

Several people choke on their food, Seungkwan included before he turns a bright, violent red.

“If everyone’s going to keep being disgusting I’m going to drown myself in my fucking orange juice.” Minghao threatens.

Junhui says something to him in Chinese that sounds like a swear word. Minghao quickly shoots something back that sounds twice as bad.

Jisoo intervenes before it can escalate further. “Let’s all just eat breakfast. Mingyu cooked and you’re letting it all go to waste. Did anyone even say thank you?”

A quick chorus of guilty thanks ring out and everyone refocuses on eating, sufficiently chastised.

…

They’ve been doing it for weeks now. Kissing. Making out. Whatever. And Wonwoo likes it. He likes the feeling of Jun’s lips moving against his own. He likes the warmth of Junhui’s hands on his face, his waist, tangled in the short hair at the nape of his neck. He likes it more than he’s willing to admit.

They have-not _dates_ exactly, but dates. Little slots of time they set aside for just the two of them. They don’t always kiss. Some days they just watch a movie, lying close with their sides pressed together while they breathe the same air. Other days they do kiss, for minutes that seem like hours and hours that seem like days. For so long that time seems to cease existing altogether. Wonwoo likes the days when they watch movies, but he likes the days that they share kisses even better.

Today had started out as the former but ended up as the latter.

Wonwoo was lucky enough to have the house to himself for a few hours so they had gathered in his living room with blankets and popcorn and some animated film Junhui had been begging him to watch. They movie wasn’t bad by any means, and they were both pretty into it, murmuring comments about this scene or that character to each other every few minutes. However, their interested, tittering commentary had somehow rapidly devolved into a full-blown, feverish make out session.

Junhui wasn’t completely in Wonwoo’s lap, but it was a near thing. He had one knee pushed between both of Wonwoo’s while the other was up near his hip, and one of his hands was buried in Wonwoo’s hair, keeping Wonwoo exactly where he wanted him. Jun would tug at his hair every once in a while, but Wonwoo didn’t mind the sting in his scalp. Even encouraged the behavior.

It made something warm and heavy pool in his belly, spread out and down. It was a feeling his was familiar with, but not in this situation. He didn’t even think to put a name to it, didn’t even consider calling it as it was- _arousal_.

He hadn’t even noticed that he was hard, but then Jun shifted and his knee slipped higher, right into _Wonwoo_ , and if he hadn’t noticed that he was hard before he _definitely_ noticed now. The sensation wasn’t particularly nice if he was being totally honest, Junhui’s knee sliding into his erection, but it still made his breath rush out of his lungs as his stomach clenched.

“Are you…?”

The first time had definitely been an accident, but when Junhui moves his knee again it is slow and deliberate. Wonwoo chokes on a groan and pulls away a little.

“I-I-that’s-it’s not-” He stammers uselessly, mortified and horny without a clue what to say.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed. It’s normal.” Jun says, voice soft. “It’s normal. I’m-I-me too.”

He looks shy about it, but doesn’t hesitate to move his hips so Wonwoo can feel his matching hardness where it’s pressed against his hip.

Wonwoo swallows hard. “I’m…I-I don’t…”

“We don’t have to do anything. But if you want to we-we _can_.”

Junhui flushes at his own words, cheeks and ears turning a pretty pink, but meets Wonwoo’s eyes steadily. Wonwoo swallows again and looks at his friend. He looks at Jun’s cute blush, his swollen lips that are still shiny with spit, his hair which has become a mess from Wonwoo’s fingers, and his eyes with their blown-out pupils. He looks and looks and looks. He looks and he realizes with a jolt that he _does_ want to do something. He wants to do _everything_. He wants to do every stupid, sappy, romantic thing under the sun with Wen Junhui and that’s dangerous. That’s the way you lose friends.

He pushes Jun away despite every fiber of his being telling him to pull the boy closer.

“I-I think we should stop.” He says.

“Okay.” Junhui accepts. He seems disappointed but unhurt, and Wonwoo knows he doesn’t understand.

“I mean this, _us_ -whatever we’re doing. I think we should stop. I’m-I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Hurt flashes in Junhui’s eyes, but it’s gone as quick as it came, replaced by something distant and unfamiliar, an emotion Wonwoo has never seen in him.

“Okay.” He repeats.

Wonwoo watches him turn away, turn back to the movie without another word, and gets the distinct feeling that it isn’t okay at all.

…

By the end of their first full day Junhui has kissed Wonwoo six times and held his hand for a solid twelve hours. And Wonwoo feels…he doesn’t know how he feels. Floaty and strange, like his head isn’t attached to his body.

“Hey,” Junhui’s voice is just loud enough to get his attention, “Are you okay?”

“What?” Wonwoo asks, pulled from his odd trance.

He feels like he’s been woken up from sleeping walking. They’re standing together in the kitchen washing the dishes from dinner. Well, Wonwoo is washing them and Junhui is drying. It’s an efficient system, one they perfected while rooming together during college. Wonwoo has never really minded the chore when it was the two of them doing it together. It always felt pleasingly domestic, standing side by side at the sink, shoulders brushing as they moved around one another.

“I asked if you’re okay. You’ve been kind of weird today, distant, like you’re zoned out or something. Are you sick?”

Junhui reaches up a hand to press against his forehead, but Wonwoo is quick to swat it away with his own soapy fingers.

“I’m not sick, I’m just…I don’t know. I feel weird. Isn’t it weird?”

“What, the dishes? I mean, whatever’s at the bottom of that pan looks kind of freaky, but I’m pretty sure it’s just dried gravy.”

 “No, I mean this. Us. The pretending. Isn’t it weird?” He asks, voice carefully lowered so as not to be overheard.

Junhui cocks his head. “Not really? It’s not that different from how we normally are, just, y’know, more kissing. What’s so weird about that?”

His voice is casual and unbothered, but there’s a strange emotion in his eyes. Wonwoo can’t put a name to it, but it makes him feel like he needs to be careful with his words.

“I guess you’re right, but it’s _us_. We would never _really_ be together, right?”

Junhui laughs but it sounds hollow. “Right, we would never be together.”

He’s quiet for the rest of the night.

Hours later, when they are lying in bed together Junhui is far enough away that Wonwoo can’t feel his body heat at all. It if weren’t for the sound of his consistent breaths Wonwoo might have thought the other man wasn’t there at all.

“Goodnight.” Wonwoo’s voice isn’t much more than a whisper, but it somehow feels loud and abrasive in the quiet room.

Instead of replying Junhui rolls over, even further away from him. Wonwoo’s conscious nags at him, telling him he’s done something wrong.

…

Jihoon turns twenty last, after they’re all well into their first semester of college. It isn’t all that special since everyone else has been twenty for months, and Jihoon insists he doesn’t want a party, but they celebrate anyways.

Soonyoung buys a cheap box of funfetti cake mix because they can’t afford one of the premade cakes from the supermarket and they all combine their limited funds to buy a shitty bottle of vodka. It’s the kind of stuff that will make you sick for days afterwards, but they convince themselves that a horrible hangover is all a part of the Adult Experience. 

The cake ends up being a little overcooked, and it honestly looks pretty pathetic, un-iced and crumbling at the edges, but Jihoon still seems touched by the effort. He even makes a point to eat half of the massive, misshapen slice they give him.

And then they crack open the bottle. Soonyoung decides it’s no fun getting drunk just taking shots, so he proposes a game: Truth, Dare, or Drink. Everyone agrees to it easily. They’re best friends, they don’t really have secrets, and they’ve seen each other naked enough times for dares to be pretty harmless.

A few rounds pass about how Wonwoo expects them to. Simple but horrifying truths come up (“Truth, would you fuck any of our old teachers from high school?”) and Jihoon dares everyone to take shots, and its safe. It’s all safe and fun and no one has had to go streaking down the dorm hall yet. But then a curveball comes.

“Okay, it’s your turn Junnie. Truth or dare?” Soonyoung asks.

“Dare.”

“Ooh, okay, lemme think.”

Soonyoung taps his fingers together beneath his chin in a way Wonwoo assumes is meant to look conniving, but he’s too cute for it to really work.

“Okay, how about this? I dare you to kiss Wonwoo!”

Junhui doesn’t even take a moment to think, doesn’t even spare Wonwoo a glance before he’s throwing back the last dregs of his drink.

“Boo, you’re no fun.” Jihoon complains.

“That dare was no fun.” Junhui retorts.

And okay, _ouch_. Did he really have to say it like that?

“ _I_ thought it was fun.” Soonyoung mumbles, put out.

Wonwoo’s cup isn’t even close to empty, but he chugs the contents all in one go. He’s suddenly no longer in the mood for celebrating.

“I don’t want to play anymore. I’m going home.” He states, climbing to his feet somewhat unsteadily.

“Aw, don’t be a party pooper, Wonwoo. If you want a kiss so bad, I’ll give it to you.” Soonyoung reaches for him with puckered lips and Wonwoo pushes him away with a laugh.

“I have an early class tomorrow.” He says by way of explanation. “Happy birthday Jihoonie.”

He leans down far enough to give his friend a hug. Jihoon looks supremely uncomfortable with the physical contact, but returns the embrace. When Wonwoo rises back up he stumbles and nearly falls on his ass.

Junhui rights him easily with a hand on his wrist. “You’re drunk. I should walk you back.”

Wonwoo jerks away from his touch. “Nah, I’m good.”

“Wonwoo-”

“I said _I’m good_.”  

He forgets his jacket is his rush to escape, and he walks home alone feeling drunk and sad and _stupid_. 

…

On the third day of their Epic Family Getaway Junhui wakes him up with a soft murmur of his name and a warm kiss on the lips, which is strange for a number of reasons. The first one being the fact that Jun _never_ wakes up before him, has almost never woken up before him in their nearly ten years of friendship. The second reason being that they don’t kiss behind closed doors. There isn’t any reason to. They aren’t-it’s not-they’re only pretending. They only kiss when they’re absolutely sure that their friends can see them.

(And why does that reality make Wonwoo feel so fucking miserable?)

But when he opens his eyes he understands why. Their friends, all eleven of them, are crowded into the bedroom, making it feel full and cramped.

“Wha-?” He asks, showing just how coherent he is before his first cup of coffee.

“Happy birthday!” They all chorus, loud and booming and slightly obnoxious.

“It’s…not my birthday. Is it my birthday?”

He struggles into a sitting position and checks his phone. And yeah, it is his birthday, what the hell?

“I know you’re old as shit hyung, but you shouldn’t be forgetting stuff yet.” Minghao snarks.

Jihoon smacks him lightly on the back of the head. “Watch it punk. You’ll be old as shit one day too.”

“Maybe, but I’ll never look at washed up as the both of you.” He says, grinning brightly.

Mingyu shoves at his shoulder. “You shouldn’t be mean to him on his birthday.”

“Right, shit. Um, happy birthday. I love you, or whatever.”

It isn’t very heartfelt, but Wonwoo is still touched because he’s a soft boy with a lot of feelings. He’s even more touched when he stumbles downstairs for breakfast to find that someone had gone to the store at some point and bought streamers and a ‘Happy Birthday’ banner. He even gets gifts. When he considers the fact that everyone had thought of him enough to bring him gifts along in their luggage he gets a little misty-eyed. They aren’t very elaborate, just small things like novelty socks and albums from his favorite artists, but they’re all still clearly thoughtful. Even Chan gives him something (a mix CD of pirated music because the kid is broke as hell, but still, it’s something). The only person who appears to have come empty-handed is Junhui.

And that’s…strangely devastating. Which is dumb, because Wonwoo is a full-grown adult, he shouldn’t expect gifts from anyone at his age. He feels selfish and childish for being so upset, but he can’t help the hurt that creeps up in his chest, uncomfortable and obnoxious like the heartburn he always gets after eating too many hot wings. He forces the feeling away and instead focuses on enjoying his breakfast and being grateful for the gifts he _did_ receive.

He avoids Jun as best he can for the rest of the morning and pretends like he can’t still feel the petulant disappointment tugging at his mind. However, his avoidance is wholly unsuccessful because Junhui catches him near the stairs after about only an hour.

“Hey.” He says.

He seems nervous, shifting from one foot to the other. Maybe he feels guilty for not getting Wonwoo a gift?

“I, uh, I got you something, but I didn’t want to give it to you in front of everyone in case you thought it was stupid.”

“Oh.” Wonwoo says, feeling dumb. _Of course_ Junhui got him something. They’re best friends, after all. “You can give it to me now if you want?”

Jun doesn’t look entirely comfortable with the suggestion, but nods nonetheless.

“Yeah, okay. It’s in the room.”

They pass a freshly showered Soonyoung on their way up the stairs and he gives them a look, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. Wonwoo only rolls his eyes.

When they get to the room Junhui pulls a neatly wrapped rectangular gift from his suitcase, but doesn’t hand it to Wonwoo immediately. He just stands there, holding it over his open luggage with a slightly pinched expression.

“Are you going to give it to me?” Wonwoo finally asks.

Junhui bites his bottom lip but hands it over. It’s heavier than Wonwoo was expecting it to be and he nearly drops it. Jun wrings his hands anxiously as he waits for Wonwoo to unwrap it. Wonwoo does so carefully, meticulously slicing through each piece of tape with his fingernail until he can pull the paper away without ripping it.

When the gift is finally bare and he gets a good look at it he’s kind of speechless. Jun peers at his face closely, trying to gauge his friend’s reaction, and doesn’t seem to like what he sees. He begins rambling, voice full of anxious regret.

“Shit, you hate it. I knew it was stupid. You don’t have to pretend to like it. I shouldn’t have-”

Wonwoo cuts him off mid-rant. “I don’t hate it.”

“Y-you don’t?”

“No, I don’t hate it.” He sounds as choked up as he feels and he blinks hard.

He refuses to cry over a _book_.

In his hands is an anthology of classic Korean poetry, one that Wonwoo has been wanting to buy for at least half a year. It just always seemed so damn _expensive_ , and he could never justify paying that much money for a book that wasn’t a textbook or something. He doesn’t even remember mentioning wanting it to anyone. How did Jun _know_?

“How did you even know I wanted this?” He asks.

“You pointed it out one time when we were in a bookstore. It seemed like you really wanted it. So…you like it?”

Wonwoo laughs and it’s a watery thing. “I love it.”

“Oh. Okay. Good.”

Carefully, oh so carefully, he places the book on the bed so he can shuffle his way over to Junhui and throw his arms around him. Jun seems surprised by the embrace, but returns it easily.

“You’re so fucking stupid.” Wonwoo hiccups.

“I…won’t deny that, but why are you crying?”

“I’m-I’m _touched_ , dumbass. Why did you spend so much money on me?”

Junhui begins rubbing his back in soothing circles without commenting on the rapidly dampening shoulder of his t-shirt.

“Seemed worth it. For you. Damn expensive book though.”

“ _Dumbass_.” Wonwoo repeats, but it’s delightedly round, all soft fond edges. “I kinda love you a lot.”

 Junhui laughs. “I love you too.”

…

Jihoon and Junhui have been dating for four months now. It’s not as strange anymore. The moving parts of their friendships have shifted and changed, new parts replacing old ones, everything moving in strange and different ways. It isn’t so bad, it’s just not what everyone is used to. At least, that’s what Wonwoo tries to tell himself.

The couple have gone out somewhere together, so it’s just Wonwoo and Soonyoung hanging out in Soonyoung’s quiet apartment. It feels oddly cold without the other two around. They pretend not to notice and decide to get drunk instead.

They make it about halfway through a bottle of Jack before Soonyoung begins sniffling miserably.

“Fucking fuck.” He swears under his breath, sounding fed up.

Wonwoo glances over and finds him roughly wiping tears from his cheeks. He can tell his friend is trying to get himself under control. He can also tell that it isn’t working. When Soonyoung cries, he _cries_ , that’s the way he’s always been.

“God fucking _dammit_.” He swears again after a few more minutes of quiet crying. “Why am I like this?”

“ _Soon_.” Wonwoo says, scooting close enough that Soonyoung can crawl into his arms.

He settles with his head on Wonwoo shoulder, body shaking with the increasing force of his tears.

“Why am I like this, Wonwoo? Why the fuck am I like this?” He sobs.

This isn’t the first time this has happened, but Wonwoo still feels like his heart is being ripped from his chest. Soonyoung is an actual _star_. He’s a bright, sunshine-y spot of a person that adds absolutely nothing but light to the universe. He shouldn’t have to feel so fucking miserable, he doesn’t deserve it. Wonwoo clutches him tighter, tries to pour every ounce of love he has into the embrace.

“I wish I could fix it.” Is all Wonwoo can say.

“Why does it _hurt_ so much? Loving someone isn’t supposed to hurt this much.”

Wonwoo feels tears prick at his own eyes but blinks hard and forces them away. He doesn’t have any right to cry.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He manages to choke out.

“How can you pretend to be happy for them? How can you do it so convincingly?”

Wonwoo bites hard at the inside of his cheek.

“I’m not pretending. I-they’re happy. I _have_ to be happy for them. What kind of friend would I be if I wasn’t?” He isn’t lying, but the words still feel horrible and wrong.

“Then what kind of friend does that make me, because I’m not?” Soonyoung asks, voice as small and vulnerable as Wonwoo has ever heard it.

 _Better_. Wonwoo wants to say.

“An honest one.” Is what he settles for.

“I hate it.” Soonyoung gasps out. “I hate it. I _hate_ it. I want it to all fall apart. Does that make me a terrible person?”

“No.” Wonwoo assures him. “You’re just hurting.”

He wants to say _I’m the only terrible, awful thing in this room_. He wants to say _You’re so brave and I’m just a filthy coward._ He can only hold him tighter.  

…

It’s a hot day, the hottest it’s been since they arrived, and the air conditioner is struggling to keep the massive house cool. It doesn’t take long for the heat to make everyone aggravated and restless, so after breakfast they get dressed in their swimming trunks and finally put the fancy swimming pool out back to good use.

Wonwoo doesn’t go in immediately, like most of the kids do. Instead he takes a moment to appreciate the warmth of the sun on his skin while he works with Seokmin to blow up what feels like every inflatable pool accessory in the world. They chat comfortably between their gasping breaths as they watch their friends screw around in the water. It’s probably some sort of safety code violation for eleven rowdy young men to be in one swimming pool at the same time, but they look like they’re having fun so Wonwoo can’t really fault them.

“Hey, hyung.” Seokmin says after a while, easy tone turning quieter, strained with something like fear.

It’s enough to make Wonwoo look up at him. He finds Seokmin already looking back, seeming anxious and unsure, two emotions Wonwoo has rarely felt from the younger boy.

“What’s up? Are you okay?” He asks, worried.

Seokmin swallows twice before speaking again. “I-what do you think of someone, um, liking two people at the same time?”

Wonwoo glances over at Seungcheol, Jisoo, and Jeonghan where they have gathered in one corner of the pool, appearing to be off in their own world as usual.

“You mean, like, wanting to be with two people at the same time?” He asks.

His words seem to make Seokmin even more anxious, but he nods. “Yeah, I-yeah.”

Wonwoo treads very carefully over his next few words.

“I think it’s fine, as long as you like those people and they like you and everyone is comfortable and informed. I don’t think there’s anything _wrong_ with it, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“You don’t think that makes someone…greedy?”

Wonwoo shakes his head. “Not at all.”

Seokmin sighs, seemingly relieved, bright smile returning to his face. Wonwoo doesn’t miss the way he glances over at Mingyu and Minghao who are roughhousing in the shallow end. Interesting.

“Thanks, hyung. I think I’m going to go swim now.”

The moment he slips into the pool the two boys he had been staring at earlier rush over to dunk his head under the water. When he comes back up he laughs and splashes water at the both of them. Wonwoo feels weird and proud, like he’s watching something really important happen right before his eyes.

He’s so caught up in the scene that he doesn’t notice someone approaching until they’re standing right in front of him, blocking the light and the heartwarming view. When he looks up he finds Junhui dripping wet and looking down at him with a smile. His magnificent golden skin is gleaming in the sun and his trunks are clinging to the toned flesh of his upper thighs.

Wonwoo blames his breathlessness on the rapidly deflating beach ball in his hands.

“Are you coming in?” He asks.

“I…” Wonwoo swallows hard and tries to gather his thoughts. “Yeah. Yeah I am.”

“Okay. Come on.” Junhui tugs him up by the hand and gives him a warm kiss.

He kisses Wonwoo again when they get in the water, and again when they’re drying off, and _again_ when they’re eating sandwiches for lunch on the back patio. He kisses him so many times that Wonwoo forgets where he is and who he is and what he’s doing. He feels like he’s ceased existing beyond his own two lips. He feels strange and raw, overstimulated like an exposed nerve.

A bit frantically, he realizes there is a lot of thinking he needs to do.

He needs to be alone. He escapes after dinner to one of the lesser used rooms.

He doesn’t expect to find Jihoon sitting there, quiet and tranquil in the glow of the fire blazing in the electric fireplace, but he somehow isn’t surprised either. He isn’t bothered by the idea of having Jihoon as company, he welcomes it if anything. Jihoon has always felt like something of a steadying force, water where there was fire, earth where there was wind.

Jihoon gives him a small, warm smile when he notices Wonwoo standing in the doorway, but doesn’t say anything. Wonwoo already feels steadier for it, comforted by the presence of one of his closest friends. He moves further into the room and settles into one of the plush armchairs by the fireplace.

…

Jeonghan likes to say he values celebrating life, cherishing important moments, and creating memories that will last a lifetime, but really, he just likes to throw parties and watch his friends get drunk. He throws parties for any day he deems suitable. Holidays, birthdays, and sometimes even just an average Tuesday.

Halloween is, of course, a very real, very party appropriate holiday, and Jeonghan has thrown a party every Halloween since Wonwoo has known him.

All of the noise and the lights and the fog from the shitty fog machine set up in the kitchen has given Wonwoo a headache so he’s momentarily hidden himself away in the quiet comfort of Jeonghan and Seungcheol’s guest bedroom.

He’s sitting on the bed nursing a cup of party punch when Junhui pokes his head in. He smiles when he catches sight of Wonwoo.

“I thought I might find you hiding in here.” He says, stepping inside and closing the door behind him.

“I’m not hiding.”

“Of course you’re not.” They both know he is.

“Shouldn’t you be with Jihoon or something?” Wonwoo asks, changing the subject.

“Nah, I should be right here.” He says, taking a seat beside Wonwoo on the covered mattress.

Wonwoo scoffs. “I’m not your boyfriend, Junhui.”

“Do you want to be?”

“What?”

Junhui smiles, wry and a little bitter. “Nothing. Jihoon is with Soonyoung, so I came to find you. I haven’t seen you all night.”

“Oh. I just, I have a headache.” He looks at his hands where they grip his cup, feeling suddenly guilty.

Junhui hums. “Here, come here. Close your eyes.”

He motions for Wonwoo to come closer and he complies, closing his eyes. Junhui’s fingers find his temples easily and he begins rubbing at them with his thumbs, moving over all of the tensed muscles in Wonwoo’s face with practiced ease. They sit like that for what feels like a long time, their breathing the only sound in the room as Junhui massages away Wonwoo’s headache. When he finally pulls his fingers away Wonwoo feels better but drunker, warm and tingling from his head to his toes, vision fuzzy around the edges.

“Hey,” Junhui speaks, voice hushed in the quiet room, “remember what we used to do in high school?”

Wonwoo thinks he must imagine the way Junhui’s gaze darts down to his lips then back up to his eyes.

“What?” He asks dumbly.

“When we used to kiss for fun, do you remember that?”

Wonwoo swallows around the lump suddenly clogging his throat. “Oh, yeah. I remember that.”

Jun’s eyes shift down to his lips again and Wonwoo knows he isn’t imagining it this time.

“It’s been so long since I’ve kissed you.” Junhui mumbles.

He leans in, breath warm against Wonwoo’s parted lips, but Wonwoo shoves him away at the last moment, when their mouths are mere centimeters apart.

“What the hell are you doing?” Wonwoo demands, jumping to his feet.

“I’m-”

“You can’t just-you have a _boyfriend_ Junhui.” There’s more he wants to say.

He wants to say _you have a boyfriend and he’s not me_. He wants to say _you chose Jihoon instead of me_. He wants to cry and he wants to sink back onto the bed and let Junhui kiss him. But he does none of that and he says none of that, instead he turns and flees.

…

It’s quiet, but it’s nice, comfortable. He and Jihoon have never been the most talkative of their group of friends, but that’s also never been a problem between the two of them. They talk when they need to and they simply enjoy one another’s presence when they don’t.

Wonwoo was cold, from swimming and taking a shower once all the hot water was gone. It’s warm by the fire and the consistent crackling of the burning wood has created a soothing soundtrack to the already calming atmosphere. Jihoon is the one to break.

“I’ve always been a little…not jealous, but I guess envious of you.” The tone of his voice is wry and a little bitter, but mostly lighthearted.

Wonwoo glances over at him, perplexed. “What, why?”

“It always seemed like you were closer to Junhui and Soonyoung, like they liked you more than me.” He admits.

“That isn’t true. Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know. I just...it felt like you guys kept me around out of some weird sense of loyalty, rather than genuine interest. Sometimes it felt like I was just an onlooker, watching the rest of you interact. Almost like you felt bad for me? I never really had friends in school, before you all. I think part of me was afraid of having to go back to being alone.”

“I never knew you felt like that.” Wonwoo says, feeling like a shitty friend.

Jihoon shrugs. “I never said anything, how would you know? And even when Junhui and I were dating you guys were so…close. It felt like I was always coming second to you. And it sounds super childish now, but you’ve always been so affectionate. Hugging and holding hands and shit.”

“Aw Jihoonie, do you want a hug?” Wonwoo asks in an attempt to lighten the mood.

“Oh, fuck off.” Jihoon says, but he’s laughing.

“Seriously though, I never knew you were thinking and feeling all this shit. I’m really sorry I ever did anything to make you feel that way, man. That’s a really shitty way to feel about your best friends. Do you…still feel that way?”

“No. No I’m-being with Soonyoung has made me realize a lot of things about relationships and love. I know you guys love me, and that’s what really matters.”

“When did you become such a sap? Did Soonyoung suck all of your bitterness out through your dick?”

Jihoon groans. “You’re seriously such an ass, why do I even talk to you?”

“I’m glad you’re telling me this though. And I’m glad you know we love you.” Wonwoo says, serious again.

The conversation lulls back to quiet for a bit before Jihoon speaks again.

“You know.” He begins only to stop, and seems to be choosing his words carefully. “I’m not…I wouldn’t…I would forgive you if you said you and Junhui were already together before we broke up.”

The calm air around Wonwoo seems to shatter like glass, and all the warmth in the room seems to evaporate, leaving him cold and shaky.

“ _What_?” He barely manages to get the word out.

“I wouldn’t be angry, or even surprised really, if you told me you were together while we were still dating.”

He says the words like they’re meant to be comforting, but all they do is make Wonwoo see red, rage and betrayal boiling in his blood.

“What the fuck?” Jihoon looks at him, alarmed by the outburst, and catches the anger on his face.

“Wonwoo, I didn’t mean anything bad by it, I just-”

He doesn’t let Jihoon finish. “You just what? You just thought Junhui was a cheater and I was the other man?”

“No! I-I’m just saying if you guys _did_ , I wouldn’t blame you. The heart wants what it wants and sometimes things just…happen.”

“Cheating doesn’t just _happen_ , Jihoon. It’s not a natural disaster. It takes two responsible adults to make a very deliberate, very shitty decision. And you think me and Junhui would just…go behind your back like that? You’re one of our best friends. The fact that you would even say that is fucking… _fucked_ , Jihoon, its fucked. What do you take us for?”

“I misspoke. I didn’t mean to suggest that you and Jun…I just always thought you guys were…something. And now you’re together. That’s why I said it. I wouldn’t think badly of either of you if you had gone behind my back. One mistake doesn’t necessarily reflect on your entire character.”

“Yes, it does. People are accountable for their actions. Choosing to cheat is _choosing_. Would you have done that? Would you have gone behind Jun’s back to be with Soonyoung?” He demands.

Jihoon meets his gaze and he looks caught, eyes wide and already pleading for forgiveness. Suddenly everything makes sense. The strange behavior, the avoidance, the guilt in their eyes every time Junhui saw them together.

“Wonwoo I-”

Wonwoo shakes his head. “That is so fucked up. That is _so fucked up_. You’re fucked up, the both of you. You’re his _best friends_. What the fuck?”

Wonwoo can count on one hand the number of times he’s seen Jihoon cry.

“Wonwoo, please.” His voice is hoarse from the tears he’s holding back.

Wonwoo backs away. “Don’t. Just don’t.”

…

Soonyoung’s wish comes true.

Wonwoo wakes up at three one morning to the sound of someone banging on his front door. He stumbles through his apartment groggily, bumping his shin on the coffee table hard enough to leave a bruise as he goes. When he yanks the door open Junhui is standing there, soaked to the bone with the rain that’s still pouring down outside and clearly inebriated.

“Jun? What are you-”

“We broke up.” He says, voice too loud in the open breezeway.

Wonwoo pulls him inside before he wakes up whoever managed to sleep through the sound of him pounding on Wonwoo’s door.

“Wait here for a sec, I’m going to get you some dry clothes.”

Junhui doesn’t wait, instead he follows Wonwoo into his bedroom and yanks on his wrist, spinning him around so they’re face to face.

“Didn’t you hear me? I said we broke up.”

He’s still speaking too loud. Wonwoo isn’t sure if it’s from the alcohol or the emotion, but something in his friend’s eyes seems uncontrollable. He isn’t sure he really wants to know what’s fueling it.

“I heard you.” Wonwoo says.

Junhui’s fingers are tapping rhythmically at his wrist. _One, two, three_. _One, two, three_. It’s perfectly in sync with his heartbeat. He tries hard not to dwell on that fact.

“Don’t you-don’t you want to talk about it?”

Junhui’s eyes are full, overflowing with _something_. Wonwoo doesn’t know what, but it’s terrifying.

“What is there to talk about, Junhui?”

The hurt on Junhui’s face is immediate, and substantial. Wonwoo tries not to give in. He tries and he fails with a heavy sigh. Wonwoo suddenly feels so _tired_ , down to his bones. Why is it always like this? Why does it always have to be like this with Junhui?

“Change into some dry clothes, and then we can talk.” He finally says, defeated.

Jun sheds his wet clothes right there, on Wonwoo’s bedroom floor. Each article makes a slick _thwack_ upon contact with the hardwood. Wonwoo doesn’t look. Can’t let himself. Even when he feels Junhui staring at him, deliberate and expectant, he doesn’t look.

“There are sweats in the top drawer.” His voice doesn’t even sound strained. He’s proud of himself.

There’s some shuffling, the sound of moving fabric, bare feet padding across the floor.

“Okay.” Junhui says.

He’s fully dressed and sitting on Wonwoo’s bed. Wonwoo doesn’t let himself consider how good the other man looks dressed in _his_ clothes, sitting on _his_ bed. He doesn’t let himself consider the implications of either of these things. He takes a careful seat next to Junhui on the bed and folds his hands in his lap. They’re quiet for a while. Wonwoo tries to get a hold of himself.

“How, um, how do you feel?” Wonwoo asks.

“Relieved.” Junhui says, honest. “Free.”

“That’s good. How does Jihoon feel?”

Junhui’s jaw visibly clenches. “ _Wonwoo_.”

“It’s a fair question.” He’s lying, and they both know it.

“I don’t know. I don’t-” _care_ , he doesn’t say it, but they both hear it.

Wonwoo looks at his hands, refuses to look up, and decides he doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. Ever at all, if possible. He doesn’t even try to hide the way he deliberately changes the subject.

“I was sleeping. You woke me up.”

It’s a simple statement of fact, but Wonwoo feels like he’s lashing out with a double-edged sword. And this isn’t really what he wants to talk about either.

“I’m sorry.” They both know Junhui isn’t apologizing for waking him up.

“Yeah.” Wonwoo says.

He isn’t agreeing with or accepting the apology, only acknowledging it.

“Can I sleep here tonight? I don’t really want to be alone.”

Wonwoo should say no. He _knows_ he should say no. “Yeah, okay.”

Wonwoo’s bed isn’t that big, is just a full. Their arms touch when the lay next to each other. They don’t move closer, but they don’t move away either. Wonwoo feels sick to his stomach. He feels like a dirty liar and a cheat. He’s sure he won’t sleep a wink all night.

(He sleeps better than he has in months.)

…

Soonyoung finds him hidden away in one of the lounge rooms, the one with all of the books and the plush window seat. Because of course he does. Because he knows Wonwoo better than anyone else in the world.

Wonwoo glances up at him briefly when he enters and lets out a sigh. “I’m mad at you too, you know.”

“I know.” He says. “But I’m still your best friend.”

“Jun is your best friend too.” It’s a low blow, but true nonetheless.

Soonyoung is the one to sigh this time.

“I know.” He says, voice small and guilty.

“Did you even think about him? Did you even feel bad about it at all?”

“Of course we did!” Soonyoung explodes for a moment but quickly reels himself in. “Of course we thought of him. You don’t think we were both sick with guilt afterwards? Jihoon couldn’t stop crying. I’ve never seen him cry that hard in my life.”

“Then why did you do it at all?” Wonwoo questions. He just can’t understand it.

Soonyoung settles next to him on the window seat, leaning slightly into Wonwoo’s side. Wonwoo doesn’t push him away and Soonyoung counts that as a win.

“He was a wreck when he came to my apartment. He was crying. He thought you and Junhui had…he said he wanted to feel loved, like the person he was with wasn’t thinking of someone else. I…you know how I feel about him. How I’ve always felt about him. I couldn’t say no. And I know it’s fucked up, I _know_ that, but I thought it was my only chance to be with him. I couldn’t turn him away. Haven’t you ever felt like that? Haven’t you ever loved someone so much that you couldn’t say no to them?”

Wonwoo thinks of Junhui, thinks of all the times he’s turned him away, changed the subject, refused to meet his eyes. He thinks of all the times he’s wanted to say yes, but said no instead.

“No.” Wonwoo shakes his head. “I’ve never felt like that.”

They’re quiet for a moment. Wonwoo thinking and Soonyoung letting him thinking.

“Did you think we were together back then too? Did you think Jihoon was right?” He finds himself leaning back against Soonyoung, too used to their constant easy affection to hold back.

“Not really. I know you, know how you are. But at the same time, I wouldn’t have been surprised by it if you told me you were. You and Junhui have always been something… _more_ , I don’t know.”

“But we aren’t.” Wonwoo admits, quiet and forlorn.

Soonyoung looks genuinely confused. “What?”  

“We aren’t together.” He repeats.

“But you came together? Junhui said you’re his boyfriend.”

Wonwoo’s already sunken heart sinks further in his chest. “I know, but we _aren’t_ -I’m not-we’re just playing pretend.”

“ _What_?”

Wonwoo swallows hard at the look Soonyoung is giving him.

“He didn’t want to come alone. He said he was tired of everyone pitying him about the breakup, and he didn’t want you and Jihoon to feel weird about making out or whatever in front of him. So, he asked me to be his date, so everyone would stop being awkward.”

“But aren’t you like…?” Soonyoung gestures with an ambiguous hand, but Wonwoo knows exactly what he means. “It must be torture to pretend.”

“Yeah, pretty much.” Wonwoo says, blinking rapidly.

“That’s like super fucking depressing man. Why the hell would you say yes?”

“I don’t know! I just…I guess I just…”

“Couldn’t say no?” Soonyoung suggests, giving him another one of those _looks_.

Wonwoo laughs humorlessly. “Yeah.”

They’re quiet again for a while. It’s raining outside, ruining any plans anyone might have had to venture out onto the property, but he can see Mingyu, Seungkwan, and Chan beyond the windows where they’re playing in the warm summer shower like a bunch of kids. They’re soaked to the bone and covered in mud, slipping and falling every few seconds on the wet ground, but they look like they’re having the time of their lives.

“He thinks you hate him.”

Wonwoo sighs. “I don’t hate him. I’m not even angry really, I’m just…disappointed. I’m disappointed in the both of you.”

“ _I_ know that, but he doesn’t. And you’ve never really been pissed at him before. He’s terrified you’ll never speak to him again.”

“I just-I need time. I can’t talk to him right now. I don’t think I can even look at him.”

“But you’re talking to me.” Soonyoung points out.

“You’re my best friend.” Wonwoo says.

“He’s your best friend too.”

Wonwoo thinks he has a point.

“I have to think.” He says.

“Then think. Just don’t think so long that things can’t be fixed.”

Something in Soonyoung’s words strikes him, strikes him in a place he hasn’t let himself feel anything in a very long time. He isn’t sure what to make of it.

…

Things get better after graduation.

Soonyoung and Jihoon get a place together, and they’re happy. Everyone is happy, at least, happier than they were in the months leading up to and following Junhui and Jihoon’s break-up.

Wonwoo has stopped feeling so horrible and guilty all of the time. He has stopped feeling like he’s somehow destroyed everything. Soonyoung is smiling again. Jihoon is smiling again. Junhui never stopped smiling, but it’s become genuine again. The four of them have started meeting each other’s eyes. It has started feeling like they’re actually still best friends. It feels like they’ve always been best friends. It feels like nothing was ever twisted up and wrong.

Jihoon and Wonwoo have started meeting at a different coffee shop, further from their alma mater and closer to their apartments. They still chat sometimes, and work sometimes, and enjoy drinks that are _not_ worth seven dollars. Soonyoung joins them occasionally, but today it’s just the two of them.

They both have their laptops open in front of them, but the speed of their typing has decreased significantly in the last ten minutes or so. Wonwoo speaks first again.

“You know, you look really happy these days.”

Jihoon looks up at him and smiles, eyes crinkling cutely. “I am happy.”

“I’m glad. You deserve to be happy.” Wonwoo means it.

“You deserve to be happy too.” Jihoon is giving him a look he doesn’t understand.

Wonwoo laughs, and it’s only a little forced. “I am happy.”

“Are you? I know you and Junhui were fighting for a while after we…I don’t want there to be anything weird between the two of you because of me.”

They had been fighting? Wonwoo isn’t sure that’s the word he would use. They hadn’t even been _speaking_. Well, Junhui had been trying to. It seemed like he was always trying to _talk_. Wonwoo had simply been avoiding any and all forms of conversation.  

“We weren’t fighting. We were just-I was…it’s better now. And it wasn’t your fault, trust me.”

 _It was my fault_. _It’s always my fault_.

Jihoon’s smile returns and he seems relieved. “Good.”

And it is good. It _is_.

(Why does it seem like he’s trying to convince himself?)

…

When he gets back to their room Junhui is there, lying on the bed in a pair of sweatpants and one of Wonwoo’s t-shirt, looking breathtaking and soft and beautiful while he watches reruns of some old Chinese variety show. Wonwoo wasn’t going to tell him, was going to protect him from the terrible truth, but his heart breaks at the sight and the words spill from his mouth unbidden.

“Jihoon cheated on you with Soonyoung.”

Junhui mutes the TV and sits up on the bed, looking over to meet his eyes.

“I know.”

The world seems to tilt on its axis. He _knew_?

“I-wait, what? You know?”

He nods. “Yeah, I know, but how do you know? Did one of them tell you?”

“No, Jihoon…I-well. Sort of. I guess, yeah.” He finally settles, unsure how exactly to explain the events that had taken place in the last two hours.

“Ah.” Junhui doesn’t seem to understand really, but he accepts the vague explanation.

“But wait, how long have _you_ known?”

Jun shrugs. “Since it happened, I guess?”

Wonwoo is taken aback by his friend’s nonchalant attitude. Junhui has always been adaptable, the type of person to roll with the punches, but _this_ is different.

“Is that why you broke up?”

Junhui laughs, and it isn’t bitter even though Wonwoo feels like it should be. “No, we broke up because Jihoon said he was tired of trying to love someone who could never love him back.”

“But _he_ cheated on _you_ , how can he say that? Aren’t you angry?”

“I’m not angry. I was never angry. He was right. I was never in love with him and it was unfair of me to take everything he had to give and give nothing back. He cheated on me, but I might as well have done the same for all that I did for him. How horrible must it feel to be in a relationship with someone you love while they’re in love with someone else?”

Wonwoo swallows hard. Something about that seems to rub him raw.

“But you didn’t. He cheated and you didn’t and that’s what makes it different.”

“I tried to though.” It sounds like a confession, but it doesn’t make any sense.

“What?”

Junhui refuses to meet his eyes. “Do you remember the Halloween party last year?”

Wonwoo’s heart stops in his chest. It picks up again, rushed and frantic. He feels like he can’t breathe.

“ _Junhui_.” Wonwoo doesn’t know if he’s warning Jun or encouraging him.

He feels unsteady, sick to his stomach.

“It wasn’t some drunken accident. I found you on purpose. I found you on purpose the night we broke up too. I’ve always-I’m always-I feel like I’m always going to you, and you’re always turning me away.”

He laughs and it’s bitter, heavy with words he’s never said.

Wonwoo bites his lips and blinks hard against the sudden moisture in his eyes, but it doesn’t help this time. He doesn’t think anything will help this time. It feels like the horrible wound of words and awful, terrible feelings in his chest has turned septic and fatal. He doesn’t know if he’ll survive.

“I never know what you want from me.” His voice cracks and he hates himself.

Junhui looks at him, catches him wiping furiously at his falling tears. He reaches towards him, but stops short when Wonwoo flinches.

“I just want you to be honest for once.”

If only it was so easy. Wonwoo really thinks he’s going to be sick. He shakes his head.

“I’m scared.” He admits, and it’s true. He’s terrified. “What if everything falls apart again?”

“It won’t.” Junhui says, and he sounds so sure.

“How do you know?” Wonwoo asks.

“Because I love you.” He says it like it’s as easy as that. “Because I’m in love with you.”

Wonwoo can’t speak, can’t think, can’t _breathe_. “That’s- _what_ -how-”

“Everything was wrong because _we_ were wrong, Wonwoo. Everything fell apart because we weren’t together. We were always supposed to be together.”

Wonwoo thinks that sounds stupid and naïve and really self-involved, but he doesn’t think it sounds _wrong_.

He thinks about telling Junhui that he’s dumb and childish. He thinks about running again, running like he always does.

Instead, he looks into Junhui’s eyes.

“I love you too.” He says, and nothing falls apart.

…

Wonwoo falls, but nothing falls apart.

**Author's Note:**

> The ending is shitty and unsatisfying, I know! I'm sorry! But just take it as a symbolic representation of how life always disappoints us. Also, I think cheating is horrible and wrong and never justifiable, but this is a work of fiction so I mean. Anyways, I'll stop rambling in the notes now. You can find me on [tumblr](http://c-smicyoongi.tumblr.com/) where I regularly swear about Kim Mingyu.


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